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Well Im back at home now, adjusting to the change. It feels a little weird to be living with my mom again, to have to answer to someone, and ask permission. But getting to hang out with her and talk with her makes it all worth it. Its nice to be just sitting around and a thought comes into my mind and I can just find her and talk to her about whatever it is.
Its weird not to have a schedule though, my summer was looking like the same thing every day, wake up at 7, shower and get ready for work, work from 8:30-4:30, go home, make supper, relax for a few hours, go to bed, rinse, and repeat. But now its get up whenever, do what I feel like, eat when I want, work when they tell me.
Oh yeah, I got a job today, back at Mark's Work Wearhouse. The pay's not as good as a landscaping job, but I knew that I had a job there and that the people I would be working with and for are some solid Christians who I can talk to about everything. So I'm pretty pumped to start up there again next week. Still unsure of the hours I'll be working.. could be 20 a week, could be 40 a week. Wait and see I guess. I'll still be making more then I did at Redeemer, and be spending much less. Yay for being able to return to the 'deem in the fall!
Now I just have to wait and see what my dad is going to go, if he's going to call me and let me know whats going on, or email me and tell me. Not going to lie, it would be nice to find out he's going to pay for my schooling again, and then I have this extra money from having worked all summer.
Ok, I just checked my email again, and no kidding, my dad had just emailed me back. He wants to get together sometime soon to talk about things.. which really means to talk about how he's doing and to talk about how much money I'm getting for next year. Man oh man..
This scares me a bit, I always get a little nervous when I have to go meet with my dad again, its like everytime I do I throw my heart out there to him, to give him another chance to step up and be my father. Yet everytime I do that, my heart just gets trampled on and thrown back to me a little more bruised then it was. It takes a lot out of me to meet with him, its draining, exhausting, and frustrating. Its a guessing game each time to see if he's telling the truth, to see when the next time I'll see him might be. Its difficult to hear his lies, his promises that are never kept, and even though I know they aren't going to come true, the little girl in me hopes everytime that something will change, but nothing ever does.
Im worried... I dont want to get hurt again.
Right now, I just want to feel God's presence, I want him to pick me up in his arms and hold me while I cry. Why am I so trusting of my dad? Every other person I meet, I have a hard time trusting because of things in my life that have happened, like my dad for example. Yet he's the person that I tend to put my trust in whenever I see him again. Which then makes me think that no one is really trustworthy, that no one is always there. It's what makes me think that everyone leaves, no one stays, even when they say they will. I am slowly learning that I can trust people, its difficult though. Im so afraid that Im going to get hurt.
God has placed people in my life though that have shown to me that they will stay, and I'm beginning to believe them. It's risky, putting your heart into someone else's hands, stepping out in faith and trusting that they wont hurt you. I mean, I expect to be let down sometimes, nobody's perfect after all. But Im learning not to expect people to desert you, to leave you when you make a mistake. So many people in my life have stuck by me in some really difficult and trying times, they've been my friend when Im a complete jerk and when things are good. These are the people that reaffirm for me who God is.
I dont know how people who dont believe in God get by sometimes, there is this peace and comfort in knowing that He's there for you always. No matter how screwed up you get, no matter how many mistakes you make, his grace is sufficient, his love is extravagant. He stays by you, whispering in your ear "I love you my child, find your peace in Me". There is nothing more comforting than the presence of God. He always provides for us, giving us His strength, His wisdom, His guidance, His love, His peace. He gives it in abundance. What I would do without it is beyond me.



"Let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold tightly to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." -Hebrews 10:22-23



Im just going to keep trusting God, trusting that He knows what is going on, trusting that he will provide for us whatever we need, strength in times of weakness, comfort in times of trials, peace in times of uncertainness. God is good.